Taking it Out on the One you Love

by Pamela Ramey-Tatum

We’re almost all guilty of it.  We are upset or annoyed about something, or we’re sick or tired, short on sleep or high on stress, and the next thing you know we're snappy or impatient with our partner, taking our frustrations out on the person we love most. This kind of behavior, if left unchecked, can become a bad habit and can erode relationships. So let's take a look at why it happens and what can we do to avoid the taking-it-out-on-our-partner behavior.  

The first step is to become observers of what we’re feeling and thinking, in other words becoming more conscious.  We have to remember that we are not our emotions; we have them, but they are not who we are.  Our soul is who we are.   It’s been said of the mind and the emotions:  “they are good servants, but bad masters.”  In other words, they certainly have a purpose, but don’t let them run your life, or they’ll ruin your life.   

When we unconsciously go through our lives allowing our emotions to control us, it looks something like this: I wake up and remember I have to do my taxes and feel depressed and think it's going to be a bad day; I do them and realize I'm getting a nice refund so I feel elated and think, things aren't so bad after all; my husband gets a call that interrupts our dinner and I feel upset. Then he hangs up and says, "I love you; I want to take you somewhere special," and I feel good again. This is an exhausting--and maddening-- way to live, swinging from one emotional reaction to another based on external events.

When we allow our emotions to control us, we allow our lower self rather than our higher Self to be in control, and we're much more likely to be impatient with or snap at our partner because the lower self is driven by habits, patterns and desires. It's an unconscious way of being. Your higher Self is the truth of who you are, your soul, the part of you that can overcome any pattern or way of being that doesn't serve the true self.

When we are operating from our higher Self, we are observing what we are doing as we are doing it, so we are no longer victims of negative thoughts and emotions. Instead, we can consciously choose how we want to respond to external events.

With the non-judgmental observer in control, we can choose to find joy instead of irritation in the bad weather that ruins our plans; we can ask ourselves what our lesson is when the bank charges us an overdraft fee; we may ask what quality in ourselves is being summoned forth in us by a certain experience. We are no longer allowing outside events to pull us into different emotional states. Instead, with the higher Self as master, we are responsible for what we think and feel about everything. It's our choice.

This is all it really takes to stop snapping at your husband, to stop taking out your bad day at the office on your wife. But if it happens that you do let your lower self get in the driver's seat and you do hurt your partner, simply be the observer (no judging yourself either!) Notice that what you did was hurtful and that you were taking out your frustration or bad mood on your partner. Then bring yourself back to your heart and apologize to your partner, acknowledging what you just observed. If you can get back into your heart and speak truthfully, you will be able to diffuse the situation before your partner reacts and things start to spiral downward.

It's good for both partners to remember not to be reactive and judgmental when the other is impatient or snappy. Instead, be a compassionate observer, and rather than reacting, help your partner move back to a place of love by staying in your heart.

You don't have to be perfect; you won't be. That's why the road to enlightenment is called a "practice" right? So just start wherever you are. Begin today to be the observer, to serve your higher Self, to be loving with Self and others, and see what transforms in your life.

Copyright 2007, Empowering Love, Pamela Ramey-Tatum, all rights reserved