The heart has reasons which reason knows nothing of.  Blaise Pascal

Love Styles and Compatibility

Recently I was thinking about how wonderfully compatible my husband and I are.  We have been together only four years, yet from the very beginning, we've been able to finish each other sentences, know each other's thoughts and anticipate each other's desires.  In thinking about our compatibility, I realized that we have almost identical love styles. Just as there are different management styles, decorating styles and so forth, there are also various love styles. 

In his book Love Styles, (1973, 1988), John Lee identified six styles of loving.  Here's a brief summary:

1) Eros: Romantic/Passionate needs emotional and sexual connection  This type is linked with Secure Attachment and has a healthy approach.

2) Storge: Merges Friendship with love, friendship being most important aspect of relationship. This type is linked with Secure Attachment and has a healthy approach.

3) Pragma: Pragmatic, desiring Security, seeks partner with who will be a good parent or provider.

4) Ludus:  Love is a game to this type.  They are the crazy makers; the Push-Pullers (you get closer, he moves away; you pull away, he moves closer.)  This type is linked with Dismissive Attachment; they are in need of healing.

5) Mania: These people are also the crazy makers.  They are usually obsessed with their partners and will do destructive things to get their attention back should it wane.  This type is linked with Anxious Attachment and also are in need of serious healing.

6) Agape: Spiritual/ Self- Sacrificing love.  This type is linked with Secure Attachment and has a healthy approach.

Expanding on Lee's ideas, Clyde and Susan Hendricks studied many couples love styles in the 1980's and found that the ones who were happiest and stayed together longest were those who had compatible love styles.

So consider what you need to feel loved and appreciated.  Checking in with your partner is essential if you sense any incongruity, but even if you feel you're compatible, there is always more to learn about what speaks to your partner's heart.  Following is a list and of course, you and your partner may add things of your own as well:  friendship, romance, security, gifts, being taken care of, sharing laughs, physical closeness, emotional connection, passion.

One way love styles show up is in the gift giving arena.  Now, as an eros type, cards, poetry, books, gifts that are, well romantic speak to my heart.  For example a heartfelt poem and a box of chocolates, a sensual massage or a trip to the beach are great gifts for me.  These more experiential gifts mean more to me than, say, a diamond necklace.  Okay, I wouldn't turn down the diamond necklace either!  But the point is that a poem written by my husband or a sensual massage from him or a beach picnic are gifts that speak deeply to my heart; whereas, another woman might really need the necklace or some other physical token to feel loved.

Another consideration besides gift giving is how we express love on a daily basis.  For some people, and most women, friendship is high on their list a way of showing love and also feeling loved.  People who need friendship in their relationships generally like to spend  at least a fair amount of time with their partner doing things they enjoy doing, whether dancing, seeing movies or sailing.  Often having shared interests is important to these types.

 
 Some people, more practical and pragmatic types, need entirely different things from their partners than do the more romantic type.  A woman with a practical love style may need to feel cared for by her husband taking care of her car or computer problems.  She might feel loved when he cares takes of the house payment and the insurance and makes sure their life insurance policies are up-to-date.  She needs to feel security.  A man of this type probably needs a woman who cooks well, is a good mother, and also knows how to balance a checkbook.

We are not always just one type.  Often we are a mixture.  I am a romantic type who needs an emotional connection and passion, but I also need friendship.  There may be many romantic types who also need a lot of security, and pragma types that need some passion, too.  Usually though, one style or the other will be dominant.

 
If you and your partner have the same love styles, then all is well.  But if he or she is missing the mark and if you're feeling let down on those special occasions when he brings you home a puppy when what you wanted was a trip to Disney or salsa dance classes, it's important to make sure your partner understands what speaks to you.  If we take the time to learn what speaks to our partner's heart, we can give in ways that will truly make our partner feel loved and appreciated.

Light and Love~

Pamela