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Awakening to Love,
designed for people like you who are ready to have the relationship--the love--of their heart's desire.
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After the Bliss:
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Everyone knows that the bliss we experience in the early stages of a relationship sooner or later wears off. Well, what then? Once you have a healthy, loving relationship, how do you make it thrive after cold, hard reality has descended upon your fairy tale?
It’s helpful to understand why everything
seems so wonderful in the beginning. First, we
project all our light and visions of the ideal lover onto
our new partner. They are everything we ever
dreamed of; they are perfect; they are our ticket to
happy-ever-after.
Second, like with anything new, we tend to
handle our new relationship—our new partner—with
extra care.
Following are some behaviors we engage in at the
beginning of a relationship that ensure it will be
a magical time:
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A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile
person lives in a hostile world: everyone you meet is
your mirror. ~Ken Keyes, Jr.
Love is an
attempt to change a piece of a dream world into
reality. ~ Theodor Reik
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SPECIAL INVITATION to SIGN UP FOR OPENING TO
LOVE,
an Empowering the Goddess workshop. You will
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yourself more deeply, a prerequite to attracting the
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- We continually show the best side of ourselves to
each other
- We are loving and respectful at all times
- We really listen to each other—and enjoy it
- We are willing and eager to do the things the
other enjoys
- We tend to overlook shortcomings and are
reluctant to criticize each other
- We are excited—if not thrilled—to spend time
together and generally do so as often as possible
- We are simply being the best we can be, the best
versions of ourselves
So what happens? The illusion fades
and we begin to project our darkness rather than our
light onto our partner. Our Mr. Perfect can actually
be a little controlling at times. Ms. Perfect can be
critical and demanding. Soon we may not see the
perfect lover we once
saw. Instead, we are staring at our human selves—
flawed, vulnerable, wounded—even damaged—and
each terrified at our inability to maintain that illusion
of perfection forever, and equally terrified our partner
will leave us when they find out all our
imperfections.
But once the
veil is lifted we have a choice: we can either help
each other heal or we can wound each other more
deeply. This is when the real challenges, but also the
real rewards, begin.
The secret is to notice when we’re
projecting our darkness onto our partner. If our
reaction to something our partner does seems more
intense than warranted, we’re projecting. A wound
from our past is being triggered, and it’s more about
us than our partner.
Remember that when we’re upset, it’s
difficult to recognize that we’re projecting; thus, it’s
critical when we get upset, angry or frustrated with
our partner to stop and breathe. Our primary goal
must be to shift ourselves from our gut back into our
heart. A good method is to let go of the hurt or
slight and focus on the love we have for our partner
and who we know them to be.
Once we’re
back in
our heart, we will more clearly see if we were
projecting. Often we then see that it was all our
own
stuff and that we’re not really upset with our partner
at all.
Other times, there may be a part
that is about our partner. But if we have
waited
until we are in our heart to address it, we can do so
calmly without triggering our partner, thus getting a
better response.
Sometimes we may need to tell our partner that
when they do a particular thing, it triggers something
in us. Then the partner can be more sensitive in this
area. By being loving and sensitive with each other,
we help each other heal those old wounds that still
get triggered.
Couples can choose to be loving and
respectful at all
times, even when upset or hurt. The choice to treat
your partner like the wonderful gift they are is yours
to make every day, every moment.
Of
course sometimes you will fail. You and your partner
will be reactive and even angry in difficult moments.
You will sometimes speak without thinking
and hurt each other. But remember that these things
take their toll on your relationship, creating painful
memories and chipping away at your love.
So train yourself to make the effort each and every
time: when you are upset, don’t speak at all until
you get back into your heart. Remind yourself that
you are speaking to the person you love and who
loves you. Then you will be more likely to speak from
your heart, even when difficult things have to be
said. If you practice this enough, it will become a
habit and your relationship will be much more
harmonious.
Issues and differences do
have to be worked out, but they can be worked out
from your heart preserving--and even enhancing--
the love rather
than diminishing it.
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Pamela Ramey-Tatum, M.A.,CTACC
Relationship Coach,
Workshop Facilitator
© 2006 by Pamela Ramey-Tatum
All rights and media reserved.
The content of the Awakening to Love ezines may be
forwarded in full without special permission provided
it is used for nonprofit purposes and full attribution
and copyright notice are given. For other publishing
purposes, please contact Pamela Ramey-Tatum.
Awakening to Love is published every other
Wednesday by Pamela Ramey-Tatum, Relationship
Coach, Empowering Love, Inc.
empowering men and women to manifest the
relationhip of their heart's desire.
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